I can only describe my existence these past few weeks as, “Zombielike,” where I’m watching TV or sending out resumes instead of eating brains. I shuffle around the house, systematically looking for things to do and then deciding I don’t want to do them. My time is spent primarily in front of the computer or TV, doing things equally non-productive.

I only get out of the house to shovel or run errands. Just today I went to the gym for the first time in a week. I think my endorphins are dead. Two months of regular workouts and I still walk out of the gym feeling weak and lonely. Yes, lonely. Imagine being single, shy, and reclusive, and then going to a gym full of beautiful, toned women. It’s like going into a candy store with your jaw wired shut. The little voice at the back of my mind that tells me to say something, strike up a conversation, is the same voice that tells me to shut up and stop making a fool of myself when I start speaking.

TV is awful, but I watch it. I rarely ever watched regular TV when I was working. I’d catch Scrubs and Lost, but that was about it. Now I actually sit down and flip on the tube without any idea of what I want to watch. The results have been disastrous. I’ve floated towards reality shows and gotten stuck like a fly in Vaseline. It sickens me, but I watch this shit with equal fascination and revulsion, I don’t even know why. Even as I watch, I know that this is the bottom of the curve for humanity. I flip from channel to channel, but I always seem to come back. I suppose I could blame TV in general, that there’s nothing better on than two roommates getting drunk and fighting over laundry before going upstairs and fucking.

My money is running out and so is my time. My countless resumes go unanswered and follow-up calls only intensify the feeling of inadequacy:

“Hello, my name is Jonathan and I’m calling to follow up on a resume I sent in. I’d like to know if it was received and if I may be considered for the position.”

“OK, Jonathan. Would you like to be disconnected immediately, or transferred to the voice mail of someone who will never get back to you?”

“Just disconnect me, please”

“Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

I’ve signed up with two temp agencies who have, so far, both talked me into lowering my minimum salary requirements. I’ve further lowered my already low standards of what I want in a job. Right now I’ll settle for any employer who promises not to punch me in the face more than once a week. That’s my only criteria. …Have I used that joke before?

I’ve had interviews; interviews which, I thought, went very well. Apparently I was wrong. This further proves my theory that there’s something fundamentally wrong with me; something about me, maybe my look, or my posture, or my speech, that people find completely appalling. This is the reason I don’t get a lot of second interviews… or second dates. All I know for certain is that it’s not smell. I bathe, and I use that “Axe” deodorant body spray. That’s some good shit.

Still bumming, in every sense of the word, but I've gotten a little work.

The company that laid me off called and asked me if I wanted to help them out by doing a little freelance work for them this week.

I said yes, mainly because I could use the money, but also because I’ve developed an immunity to irony.

Going back in, I thought to myself, “This was a pretty decent deal, why was I so glad to leave?” Then, after working for fifteen minutes, I said, “Oh, yea, that’s why.”

Happy New Year! I hope everyone has a wonderful 2005!

OK, that’s it, that’s all the joy I can muster. I’m in a slump again, a bad slump. We’re talking deep depression here. Laid off from my job (at Christmas no less), single at New Year’s (it makes me feel even more lonely than Valentine’s Day), and generally feeling down in the dumps.

But I’m working on it.

I’ve been exercising, although I’m certain my endorphins are dysfunctional. Instead of walking out of the gym and saying, “Wow, I feel like a better person,” I usually walk out and say, “Wow, I can’t move my freaking arms!”

I’ve even been using this “sun lamp,” that my mom has. She says it helps with the winter blahs. I haven’t been feeling any different, I just feel like I need sunglasses all the time.

Here’s hoping for a better 2005.