Somewhere along the line it was assumed that all the bologna slices in the house were mine. These crazy people that live here keep asking for my permission to have some bologna.
I’m not angry or anything, I’m almost a little flattered. But, did I miss a meeting? When was I appointed the keeper of the bologna? I don’t run around tagging each slice before releasing it into the wild. You can take as much bologna as you want, whenever you want. I won’t show up with handcuffs and my badge from the Department of Ambiguous Meat Products if you want to have a sandwich. Go ahead, knock yourself out.
P.S. bologna bologna bologna bologna bologna bologna bologna bologna bologna
8/29/2004
8/27/2004
Excerpt from Jon’s Neighbors’ Dog’s Day Planner
5:30AM Wake up
6:00AM Bark
6:30AM Eat
7:00AM Go walkies, Bark
7:30AM See next door guy leave for work, bark at him.
9:00AM Bark, raise pitch
10:00AM Find something interesting in the back yard. Bark at it.
12:00PM Sit in window, bark at passing cars.
2:00PM Bark
3:00PM Leave doo doo on neighbor’s lawn. Bark at it.
5:30PM See next door guy come home from work. Run up to him. Jump on him. Spaz out. Bark.
6:30PM Eat
7:00PM Go Walkies, Bark
8:00PM Sky going dark. Barking might make it light again.
9:00PM Not working, sky still dark. Bark louder.
10:00PM Go sleepy
5:30AM Wake up
6:00AM Bark
6:30AM Eat
7:00AM Go walkies, Bark
7:30AM See next door guy leave for work, bark at him.
9:00AM Bark, raise pitch
10:00AM Find something interesting in the back yard. Bark at it.
12:00PM Sit in window, bark at passing cars.
2:00PM Bark
3:00PM Leave doo doo on neighbor’s lawn. Bark at it.
5:30PM See next door guy come home from work. Run up to him. Jump on him. Spaz out. Bark.
6:30PM Eat
7:00PM Go Walkies, Bark
8:00PM Sky going dark. Barking might make it light again.
9:00PM Not working, sky still dark. Bark louder.
10:00PM Go sleepy
8/24/2004
In an already stellar display of quality record keeping, my new insurance company has assigned me a geriatric specialist as my primary care doctor.
Imagine my shock when I tried to make an appointment, and the secretary asked me if I was over 65.
“Um… no, should I be.”
“Well, yes, Dr (NAME)is a geriatrician.”
“A what now?”
“A doctor for senior citizens.” (I could tell she wanted to say ‘an old-people doctor’).
“Oh… then I guess I won’t need to make an appointment right now.”
Yea, oops.
Imagine my shock when I tried to make an appointment, and the secretary asked me if I was over 65.
“Um… no, should I be.”
“Well, yes, Dr (NAME)
“A what now?”
“A doctor for senior citizens.” (I could tell she wanted to say ‘an old-people doctor’).
“Oh… then I guess I won’t need to make an appointment right now.”
Yea, oops.
8/23/2004
Letters from Doom (Final)
July 29, 2104
Dear Mom and Dad,
So, it seems that somebody, and the company won’t name any names, has unleashed the forces of hell in Delta Labs. Now my weekend is completely shot.
Apparently, and I’ve gotten this information secondhand, the teleporters that they were experimenting with crossed over into another dimension. This dimension, let’s call it “Hell,” was all fire and brimstone and filled with a large number of creatures, let’s say “Demons,” who were very concerned with killing all of us. The rest of the details are kind of sketchy, but I’m guessing that we can thank the scientists for forgetting to close the door to hell.
Today I was in the bathroom when the ground shook. At first I thought it was because I had those burritos last night, but it happened again and there was all this screaming and yelling outside.
I cleaned up and went out into the hall. The lights were flickering, people were running around, and, I kid you not, there were flaming skulls flying though the air.
I only had my standard issue pop gun on me, so I ran back to my room to dip into the massive arms stash I had accumulated over the last week. On the way I was confronted by a six eyed demon with long fangs and sharp claws. I emptied a clip into him with my pistol, but he seemed unharmed. I then proceeded to run up to him and beat him to death with my flashlight. Let me tell you, that little flashlight did some damage.
After dispatching the demon and getting to my weapons cache, I proceeded to marine command.
Things have been downhill from there. I’ve run into very few people who haven’t been turned into the living dead. I mostly get radio transmissions from my Lieutenant, who is alive (oh... woo hoo.) and heading to Delta Labs, hoping to somehow stop the invasion.
I’ve taken some injuries in the fighting. Fortunately, first aid kits are strewn about, just like the ammo. Right now I’m feeling fine, but I am covered, head to toe, in bandages and pumped full of enough pain killers to put an ox to sleep.
I have no choice but to keep moving and try to help the Lieutenant. I’m going to show these beasts that they picked the wrong dimension to invade. I’m going to give them hell! Well, I guess they already had hell. I’m going to give them… heaven! No, wait, that doesn’t make sense. I’m going to kill them good! Yea!
Love,
-Jon
July 29, 2104
Dear Mom and Dad,
So, it seems that somebody, and the company won’t name any names, has unleashed the forces of hell in Delta Labs. Now my weekend is completely shot.
Apparently, and I’ve gotten this information secondhand, the teleporters that they were experimenting with crossed over into another dimension. This dimension, let’s call it “Hell,” was all fire and brimstone and filled with a large number of creatures, let’s say “Demons,” who were very concerned with killing all of us. The rest of the details are kind of sketchy, but I’m guessing that we can thank the scientists for forgetting to close the door to hell.
Today I was in the bathroom when the ground shook. At first I thought it was because I had those burritos last night, but it happened again and there was all this screaming and yelling outside.
I cleaned up and went out into the hall. The lights were flickering, people were running around, and, I kid you not, there were flaming skulls flying though the air.
I only had my standard issue pop gun on me, so I ran back to my room to dip into the massive arms stash I had accumulated over the last week. On the way I was confronted by a six eyed demon with long fangs and sharp claws. I emptied a clip into him with my pistol, but he seemed unharmed. I then proceeded to run up to him and beat him to death with my flashlight. Let me tell you, that little flashlight did some damage.
After dispatching the demon and getting to my weapons cache, I proceeded to marine command.
Things have been downhill from there. I’ve run into very few people who haven’t been turned into the living dead. I mostly get radio transmissions from my Lieutenant, who is alive (oh... woo hoo.) and heading to Delta Labs, hoping to somehow stop the invasion.
I’ve taken some injuries in the fighting. Fortunately, first aid kits are strewn about, just like the ammo. Right now I’m feeling fine, but I am covered, head to toe, in bandages and pumped full of enough pain killers to put an ox to sleep.
I have no choice but to keep moving and try to help the Lieutenant. I’m going to show these beasts that they picked the wrong dimension to invade. I’m going to give them hell! Well, I guess they already had hell. I’m going to give them… heaven! No, wait, that doesn’t make sense. I’m going to kill them good! Yea!
Love,
-Jon
8/22/2004
Letters From Doom (2)
July 23 2140
Dear Mom and Dad,
Strange things have been happening in Mars lately.
For starters, I think the number of people going completely insane is higher than it should be. I’m no expert on the subject, but roughly one out of every four employees in Mars Colony 2 has gone loony within the last week. I really don’t like those odds. I checked four of my friends, and what do you know, one of them was freaking crazy!
This has led to a severe shortage of proper… crazy people supplies. Makeshift straightjackets have been constructed from sweaters and an industrial stapler. Crazy people have had to bunk up three or four to a cell. I’m even sharing my bunk with some crazy guy who rants about demons and hellfire. They just came in on Monday, strapped him into the top bunk, and told me to watch his bedpan.
With the exception of “Crazy” Bill Johnson, who’s just plain crazy, all the new crazy people seem to have the same delusions as my new roommate. They go on and on about armies of demons and the living dead.There have also been a lot of strange sounds and sightings, especially on the lower levels of Delta Labs. The odd scientist or janitor will come back with stories of growling in the dark, or large creatures creeping through the shadows.
Sounds to me like it’s time for a Martian varmint hunt! I mean, you should see the rats we get up here.
Anyway, aside from the strange noises, monster sightings and, you know, crazy people, things are pretty normal, I guess. I’ve got to change my bunkmate’s bed pan, then I’m on duty until 3am, so good night and have a good week.
-Jon
July 23 2140
Dear Mom and Dad,
Strange things have been happening in Mars lately.
For starters, I think the number of people going completely insane is higher than it should be. I’m no expert on the subject, but roughly one out of every four employees in Mars Colony 2 has gone loony within the last week. I really don’t like those odds. I checked four of my friends, and what do you know, one of them was freaking crazy!
This has led to a severe shortage of proper… crazy people supplies. Makeshift straightjackets have been constructed from sweaters and an industrial stapler. Crazy people have had to bunk up three or four to a cell. I’m even sharing my bunk with some crazy guy who rants about demons and hellfire. They just came in on Monday, strapped him into the top bunk, and told me to watch his bedpan.
With the exception of “Crazy” Bill Johnson, who’s just plain crazy, all the new crazy people seem to have the same delusions as my new roommate. They go on and on about armies of demons and the living dead.There have also been a lot of strange sounds and sightings, especially on the lower levels of Delta Labs. The odd scientist or janitor will come back with stories of growling in the dark, or large creatures creeping through the shadows.
Sounds to me like it’s time for a Martian varmint hunt! I mean, you should see the rats we get up here.
Anyway, aside from the strange noises, monster sightings and, you know, crazy people, things are pretty normal, I guess. I’ve got to change my bunkmate’s bed pan, then I’m on duty until 3am, so good night and have a good week.
-Jon
8/15/2004
Letters From Doom
July 18, 2140
Dear Mom and Dad,
Greetings from Mars Colony 2!
I never imagined that straight out of boot camp I’d land this job. I mean, some guys from my original unit are still peacekeeping in the Middle East back on Earth. Not me, I set my sights high and now here I am, part of the Mars security team!
They must have been impressed with my record, because, as you know, I was hired on the spot. They didn’t even ask me any questions. I just walked in and BAM, “You’re hired.” No background check, no drug screening, nothing.
The job is not without its faults though. It’s just some little things that bug me.
Because of defects in the power grid, the lights are constantly going out. Every few hours or so everything will just go dark. It’s getting to be quite a pain. Just now, for example, just as I finished writing “…part of the Mars security team,” The lights went out. I even heard some screaming down the hall. Probably some of the scientists playing grab-ass in the dark.
This might not be so annoying if I were given the standard issue night vision goggles that EVERYONE on Earth has. Mom, even you have a set of these goggles. Unfortunately not. The only thing I got as part of the standard equipment is a dinky little flashlight. I mean, it runs on “D” batteries, for crying out loud. Do they even make “D” batteries any more?
The other standard equipment is pathetic too. All I got is civilian issue armor and a tiny little X-35 pistol. Dad, you know guns, and I’m sure you know what a spectacular piece of crap the X-35 is. I couldn’t put down a cat with this thing without emptying two clips.
On the bright side, ammo and bigger weapons are strewn about everywhere. I really don’t know why they leave high impact firearms just laying around, but they do. They don’t seem to belong to anyone, they’re not even locked. Just the other day I sat down in the cafeteria and accidentally kicked over a rocket launcher that someone had left under the table.
Overall, things are fine and mostly uneventful. I need to get going now, so I’ll talk to you guys later! Give Sparky my love.
-Jon
July 18, 2140
Dear Mom and Dad,
Greetings from Mars Colony 2!
I never imagined that straight out of boot camp I’d land this job. I mean, some guys from my original unit are still peacekeeping in the Middle East back on Earth. Not me, I set my sights high and now here I am, part of the Mars security team!
They must have been impressed with my record, because, as you know, I was hired on the spot. They didn’t even ask me any questions. I just walked in and BAM, “You’re hired.” No background check, no drug screening, nothing.
The job is not without its faults though. It’s just some little things that bug me.
Because of defects in the power grid, the lights are constantly going out. Every few hours or so everything will just go dark. It’s getting to be quite a pain. Just now, for example, just as I finished writing “…part of the Mars security team,” The lights went out. I even heard some screaming down the hall. Probably some of the scientists playing grab-ass in the dark.
This might not be so annoying if I were given the standard issue night vision goggles that EVERYONE on Earth has. Mom, even you have a set of these goggles. Unfortunately not. The only thing I got as part of the standard equipment is a dinky little flashlight. I mean, it runs on “D” batteries, for crying out loud. Do they even make “D” batteries any more?
The other standard equipment is pathetic too. All I got is civilian issue armor and a tiny little X-35 pistol. Dad, you know guns, and I’m sure you know what a spectacular piece of crap the X-35 is. I couldn’t put down a cat with this thing without emptying two clips.
On the bright side, ammo and bigger weapons are strewn about everywhere. I really don’t know why they leave high impact firearms just laying around, but they do. They don’t seem to belong to anyone, they’re not even locked. Just the other day I sat down in the cafeteria and accidentally kicked over a rocket launcher that someone had left under the table.
Overall, things are fine and mostly uneventful. I need to get going now, so I’ll talk to you guys later! Give Sparky my love.
-Jon
8/14/2004
8/12/2004
Things have been pretty boring lately, but that’s certainly not a bad thing.
Work has been fairly busy, but the day goes by pretty fast. That’s a good sign that you like what you’re doing. Well, either that or you’re blacking out during the day. So I might be enjoying my job, or I might have brain trauma.
I’m still having trouble getting my ass out of bed in the morning. I’ve stopped using the alarm on my clock and switched to the radio. It doesn’t get me up any faster, but it doesn’t piss my parents off.
I have the radio set to a news station. You’d think that by listening to it each morning, even though I am mostly asleep, I would at least absorb some news through osmosis. Sadly, I haven’t. By the time I get out of bed all I’ve managed to retain is the fact that there’s a blowout sale at Carpet Warehouse.
I’ve been spending a lot of my free time this week playing Doom 3. It’s pretty kick-ass. I had to turn down all the fancy graphic settings a little bit to get it to run smoothly on my machine, but it still looks fantastic. I try not to buy a game right when it comes out because that’s when it’s at its most expensive, and the price always drops, but when Doom 3 came out I caved like a little girl at a pony convention. It gives me great pleasure to know that I still have the computing horsepower to run it, even if it is at medium settings.
Aside from work, sleep, and Doom, I haven’t been doing much else. I occasionally feel that I should be doing something more productive in society. From time to I stand up and say, “I should be doing charity work, or crafting something with my bare hands, or even exercise!” But then I sit back down, panting heavily.
Work has been fairly busy, but the day goes by pretty fast. That’s a good sign that you like what you’re doing. Well, either that or you’re blacking out during the day. So I might be enjoying my job, or I might have brain trauma.
I’m still having trouble getting my ass out of bed in the morning. I’ve stopped using the alarm on my clock and switched to the radio. It doesn’t get me up any faster, but it doesn’t piss my parents off.
I have the radio set to a news station. You’d think that by listening to it each morning, even though I am mostly asleep, I would at least absorb some news through osmosis. Sadly, I haven’t. By the time I get out of bed all I’ve managed to retain is the fact that there’s a blowout sale at Carpet Warehouse.
I’ve been spending a lot of my free time this week playing Doom 3. It’s pretty kick-ass. I had to turn down all the fancy graphic settings a little bit to get it to run smoothly on my machine, but it still looks fantastic. I try not to buy a game right when it comes out because that’s when it’s at its most expensive, and the price always drops, but when Doom 3 came out I caved like a little girl at a pony convention. It gives me great pleasure to know that I still have the computing horsepower to run it, even if it is at medium settings.
Aside from work, sleep, and Doom, I haven’t been doing much else. I occasionally feel that I should be doing something more productive in society. From time to I stand up and say, “I should be doing charity work, or crafting something with my bare hands, or even exercise!” But then I sit back down, panting heavily.
8/07/2004
At Electronics Boutique there are certain games that have a sticker on them reading "Free With Trade-In, Ask Us How." Well, I asked them how. The clerk told me that if I trade in enough games to equal the value of the game with the sticker on it, then I can have that game for "Free." This seemed pretty fucking obvious. I looked at him and said, "Well, for the record, if I trade in enough dollar bills to equal the value of that game, I can have that game free too."
He didn't see the humor in it. It was then that I realized that I had become an asshole mall customer. I apologize, but it just had to be said. Those stickers are pointless.
He didn't see the humor in it. It was then that I realized that I had become an asshole mall customer. I apologize, but it just had to be said. Those stickers are pointless.
8/04/2004
City of Heroes
Registrar: Hello, and welcome to Paragon City! How may I help you today?
Jon: Hi, I’d like to become a super hero.
Registrar: Oh, another super hero, how… wonderful. Well then, let’s start with your origin.
Jon: Well, I’m from New Hampshire, I went to school at…
Registrar: No no no, your super hero origin.
Jon: Oh, um, I was bitten by a radioactive spider.
Registrar: ZZZZ ::snork:: oh, I’m sorry, I must have been overcome by boredom there. What was that you said?
Jon: Well, uh… my um… my mother was a… radioactive spider.
Registrar: ZZZZ Wha, or sorry, did you say spider?
Jon: … ferret… my mother was a radioactive ferret.
Registrar: Now we’re talking! So what’s your power?
Jon: I can leap buildings in a single bound!
Registrar: ZZZ
Jon: Super speed?
Registrar: I’ll tell you what, wait here and I’m going to go get some people from the D.C. Comics legal department and you can tell them what your powers are.
Jon: No, wait! I can… um… shoot blasts of… ice from my fingertips.
Registrar: Hmm, not bad. It’s been done before, but not very well. Now, are you male or female?
Jon: Excuse me!? Can’t you tell? I’m all man, baby.
Registrar: You can be a male or female superhero, regardless of your real life gender. You can pick either one, it makes no difference in regards to strengths and weaknesses.
Jon: Oh, well then, I guess I’ll try being a female.
Registrar: ::snicker::
Jon: Is there a problem with that?
Registrar: No no. No problem, ::giggle:: Now, um, what will m’ lady be called?
Jon: … how about… Arctica?
Registrar: Taken.
Jon: Anne Arctica.
Registrar: Taken
Jon: Ice Queen, Lady Freeze, Blue Ice
Registrar: Taken, taken, and oh, wait… nope, taken.
Jon: Lady… Arctica?
Registrar: Congratulations, sir, you are now Lady Arctica!
Jon: Thank you. Well, I guess I’ll go out and start fighting crime.
Registrar: Ahem. Not dressed like that you’re not.
Jon: What’s wrong with my clothes?
Registrar: Those jeans, those sneakers; hardly befitting of Lady Arctica! Here, try these.
Jon changes into a slinky leather outfit with thigh-high boots.
Jon: Um… I don’t think I’m comfortable with this.
Registrar: You’ve made your decision, if you’re going to play the part of Lady Arctica, you must look like Lady Arctica.
Jon: But this leather thong is seriously riding up on me, and this corset keeps slipping down and exposing my nipples. How am I supposed to fight crime like this?
Registrar: Such is the price a female hero must pay. Now get out there and bring some justice to this lawless city!
Jon walks out, constantly adjusting the outfit so that his crotch area doesn’t pop out.
Registrar: Hello, and welcome to Paragon City! How may I help you today?
Jon: Hi, I’d like to become a super hero.
Registrar: Oh, another super hero, how… wonderful. Well then, let’s start with your origin.
Jon: Well, I’m from New Hampshire, I went to school at…
Registrar: No no no, your super hero origin.
Jon: Oh, um, I was bitten by a radioactive spider.
Registrar: ZZZZ ::snork:: oh, I’m sorry, I must have been overcome by boredom there. What was that you said?
Jon: Well, uh… my um… my mother was a… radioactive spider.
Registrar: ZZZZ Wha, or sorry, did you say spider?
Jon: … ferret… my mother was a radioactive ferret.
Registrar: Now we’re talking! So what’s your power?
Jon: I can leap buildings in a single bound!
Registrar: ZZZ
Jon: Super speed?
Registrar: I’ll tell you what, wait here and I’m going to go get some people from the D.C. Comics legal department and you can tell them what your powers are.
Jon: No, wait! I can… um… shoot blasts of… ice from my fingertips.
Registrar: Hmm, not bad. It’s been done before, but not very well. Now, are you male or female?
Jon: Excuse me!? Can’t you tell? I’m all man, baby.
Registrar: You can be a male or female superhero, regardless of your real life gender. You can pick either one, it makes no difference in regards to strengths and weaknesses.
Jon: Oh, well then, I guess I’ll try being a female.
Registrar: ::snicker::
Jon: Is there a problem with that?
Registrar: No no. No problem, ::giggle:: Now, um, what will m’ lady be called?
Jon: … how about… Arctica?
Registrar: Taken.
Jon: Anne Arctica.
Registrar: Taken
Jon: Ice Queen, Lady Freeze, Blue Ice
Registrar: Taken, taken, and oh, wait… nope, taken.
Jon: Lady… Arctica?
Registrar: Congratulations, sir, you are now Lady Arctica!
Jon: Thank you. Well, I guess I’ll go out and start fighting crime.
Registrar: Ahem. Not dressed like that you’re not.
Jon: What’s wrong with my clothes?
Registrar: Those jeans, those sneakers; hardly befitting of Lady Arctica! Here, try these.
Jon changes into a slinky leather outfit with thigh-high boots.
Jon: Um… I don’t think I’m comfortable with this.
Registrar: You’ve made your decision, if you’re going to play the part of Lady Arctica, you must look like Lady Arctica.
Jon: But this leather thong is seriously riding up on me, and this corset keeps slipping down and exposing my nipples. How am I supposed to fight crime like this?
Registrar: Such is the price a female hero must pay. Now get out there and bring some justice to this lawless city!
Jon walks out, constantly adjusting the outfit so that his crotch area doesn’t pop out.
8/01/2004
I’ll try not to give anything away, but if you have any intention of seeing “The Village,” please do not read this post until after you’ve seen it.
I think that maybe the reason I loved the first three M. Night Shyamalan movies is the exact same reason that I didn’t love the fourth one. The reason; he and I think alike.
I don’t know how else I could explain that I could predict what was going to happen with an eerie accuracy. Even the signature Shyamalan twist was no mystery to me this time around. With very little indication of what was going to happen, I just knew. When I thought about it afterwards, it just seemed to me that I knew because that’s what I would have done, given the basic plot structure, and knowing that there had to be some kind of shocker.
Maybe if some of you have seen the film, let me know if you thought it was too predictable.
Chris said it best when he said that Shyamalan needs to make a straightforward movie, something where everyone isn’t expecting his usual shocking twist. I tend to agree, although I think his original screenplays are some of the best in Hollywood, I’d like to see him apply his skills to an adaptation or a remake.
Though it was a bit of a disappointment, this did not sink the movie alone.
Another problem was the acting. We had a collection of A-List actors giving C-List performances. All of Shyamalan’s previous films have been A-List actors giving A-List performances, I don’t understand what changed here. I guess everyone was trying too hard to emulate the old fashioned dialogue and just sounding ridiculous in the process.
And the final culprit? The theater. The movie theater seriously hampered the enjoyment of my film. The temperature was ice cold, making me long for the warm cloaks and crackling fire places on screen. The sound too was off kilter. The commercials were so loud they nearly shattered my glasses, but the dialogue in the film was barely audible. Things like these can make even a good movie a bad experience.
I think that maybe the reason I loved the first three M. Night Shyamalan movies is the exact same reason that I didn’t love the fourth one. The reason; he and I think alike.
I don’t know how else I could explain that I could predict what was going to happen with an eerie accuracy. Even the signature Shyamalan twist was no mystery to me this time around. With very little indication of what was going to happen, I just knew. When I thought about it afterwards, it just seemed to me that I knew because that’s what I would have done, given the basic plot structure, and knowing that there had to be some kind of shocker.
Maybe if some of you have seen the film, let me know if you thought it was too predictable.
Chris said it best when he said that Shyamalan needs to make a straightforward movie, something where everyone isn’t expecting his usual shocking twist. I tend to agree, although I think his original screenplays are some of the best in Hollywood, I’d like to see him apply his skills to an adaptation or a remake.
Though it was a bit of a disappointment, this did not sink the movie alone.
Another problem was the acting. We had a collection of A-List actors giving C-List performances. All of Shyamalan’s previous films have been A-List actors giving A-List performances, I don’t understand what changed here. I guess everyone was trying too hard to emulate the old fashioned dialogue and just sounding ridiculous in the process.
And the final culprit? The theater. The movie theater seriously hampered the enjoyment of my film. The temperature was ice cold, making me long for the warm cloaks and crackling fire places on screen. The sound too was off kilter. The commercials were so loud they nearly shattered my glasses, but the dialogue in the film was barely audible. Things like these can make even a good movie a bad experience.
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