Dear Mastercard,
It is my great privilege to notify you that your credit card offer has been pre-rejected!
That’s right, you qualify right NOW for absolutely NO money from me, NO paperwork, and NO interest for at least 90 days!
Think of the freedom, think of the peace of mind, think of the money you’ll save on stamps! Don’t wait, act now and throw away any future letters to me!
Sincerely,
The Jonathan Corporation
10/30/2004
10/27/2004
10/10/2004
Friday the 14th
Tammy: Oh Ned, that was amazing.
Ned: Yea, I know I’m good.
Tammy: Oh no, the lights went out.
Ned: Must be the generator.
Tammy: I’ll get it
Ned: Don’t leave, you’re so sexy.
Tammy: What does that have to do with anything?
Ned and Tammy have sex again
Tammy: I’m really worried about the lights going out like that… and that screaming we heard.
Ned: That was you.
Tammy: No, I mean the screaming we heard from outside.
Ned: Oh that, that was just the birds. This is a camp you know.
Tammy: Still, I think I should go fix the generator.
Tammy gets up to leave.
Ned: Aren’t you going to put any clothes on?
Tammy: Nah, to much work.
Ned: Here, take this flashlight, it’s dark out there.
Tammy: No, I’ll be alright with this candle.
Ned: You’re so sexy with that candle.
Tammy: What?
Ned and Tammy have sex again.
Tammy: I heard that screaming again.
Ned: It’s the birds, damnit.
Tammy: That’s not the birds, I distinctly heard someone scream, “NED, TAMMY, RUN! THERE’S A KILLER IN THE CAMP!”
Ned: There’s squirrels out there too, squirrels make weird noises at night.
Tammy: I’m going to fix the generator.
Tammy lights her candle and goes out the door. Ned lays back, lights a joint, drinks half a bottle of Jack Daniels, snorts a line of coke and then shoots heroin.
Tammy returns, screaming and covered in blood.
Tammy: Oh my God! Tom, Cindy, Bill, Rod, Bucky, Mindy, Earl, Leroy and Candy are dead.
Ned: Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, you’re stressed out, it’s all in your head.
Tammy: But they’re dead! They’ve been slashed, drowned, beheaded, strangled, drowned, dismembered, slashed and thrown out a window. Except for Earl. It looks like he just died in his sleep.
Ned: Damn… you’re so sexy covered in barbecue sauce like that.
Ned and Tammy have sex again.
Tammy: That was amazing, but everyone else is dead.
Ned: Everyone else? How many of the others have you had sex with?
Tammy: No, I mean they’ve all been killed.
Ned: Tammy, silly Tammy. Why don’t I go check it out.
Tammy: No, he’ll kill you too!
Ned: I’ve got nothing to worry about, I’ve got my pocket knife.
Tammy: Here, take the machine gun.
Ned: I’m OK, there‘s nothing I can‘t handle with my pocket knife.
Tammy: Damnit Ned, take the fucking machine gun. It’s right here, and it’s still loaded.
Ned: Tammy, crazy Tammy, I’ll be fine.
***
Police reports recount that the Caboose Lake killer turned himself in the morning following the night of the massacre. When police asked him why he turned himself in, he told them, “My work is done. I’ve finally killed all the stupid ones.”
Tammy: Oh Ned, that was amazing.
Ned: Yea, I know I’m good.
Tammy: Oh no, the lights went out.
Ned: Must be the generator.
Tammy: I’ll get it
Ned: Don’t leave, you’re so sexy.
Tammy: What does that have to do with anything?
Ned and Tammy have sex again
Tammy: I’m really worried about the lights going out like that… and that screaming we heard.
Ned: That was you.
Tammy: No, I mean the screaming we heard from outside.
Ned: Oh that, that was just the birds. This is a camp you know.
Tammy: Still, I think I should go fix the generator.
Tammy gets up to leave.
Ned: Aren’t you going to put any clothes on?
Tammy: Nah, to much work.
Ned: Here, take this flashlight, it’s dark out there.
Tammy: No, I’ll be alright with this candle.
Ned: You’re so sexy with that candle.
Tammy: What?
Ned and Tammy have sex again.
Tammy: I heard that screaming again.
Ned: It’s the birds, damnit.
Tammy: That’s not the birds, I distinctly heard someone scream, “NED, TAMMY, RUN! THERE’S A KILLER IN THE CAMP!”
Ned: There’s squirrels out there too, squirrels make weird noises at night.
Tammy: I’m going to fix the generator.
Tammy lights her candle and goes out the door. Ned lays back, lights a joint, drinks half a bottle of Jack Daniels, snorts a line of coke and then shoots heroin.
Tammy returns, screaming and covered in blood.
Tammy: Oh my God! Tom, Cindy, Bill, Rod, Bucky, Mindy, Earl, Leroy and Candy are dead.
Ned: Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, you’re stressed out, it’s all in your head.
Tammy: But they’re dead! They’ve been slashed, drowned, beheaded, strangled, drowned, dismembered, slashed and thrown out a window. Except for Earl. It looks like he just died in his sleep.
Ned: Damn… you’re so sexy covered in barbecue sauce like that.
Ned and Tammy have sex again.
Tammy: That was amazing, but everyone else is dead.
Ned: Everyone else? How many of the others have you had sex with?
Tammy: No, I mean they’ve all been killed.
Ned: Tammy, silly Tammy. Why don’t I go check it out.
Tammy: No, he’ll kill you too!
Ned: I’ve got nothing to worry about, I’ve got my pocket knife.
Tammy: Here, take the machine gun.
Ned: I’m OK, there‘s nothing I can‘t handle with my pocket knife.
Tammy: Damnit Ned, take the fucking machine gun. It’s right here, and it’s still loaded.
Ned: Tammy, crazy Tammy, I’ll be fine.
***
Police reports recount that the Caboose Lake killer turned himself in the morning following the night of the massacre. When police asked him why he turned himself in, he told them, “My work is done. I’ve finally killed all the stupid ones.”
10/09/2004
Don't Texas Chainsaw Massacre My Heart
While watching G's cats I've been having my own personal "Butt Numb-A-Thon," this weekend, and right now my ass could take a bullet and I wouldn't feel it.
Highlights from this weekend include "Millineum Actress," (snore, pretty magical and all that, but really just a dull love story), "The Bunker," (mediocre psychological horror film), "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (The new version with Jessica Biel, meow), and "Ginger Snaps 3" (good flick, but I refuse to call it "Ginger Snaps Back," that's a shitty title). I also rented Crash Bandicoot Twinsanity, and was not dissapointed. It's no Ratchet and Clank, but it does all the right things.
Quite different from last weekend's yard sale madness.
I remember last weekend, as I crawled up onto the roof to retrieve the foam dart I had accidentally shot up there while "testing" the dart gun I was selling, looking down at our little yard sale and thinking, "Damn, we're getting rid of a lot of shit." And sell that shit we did.
Then, I thought, wouldn't it be an embarrassing way to die, falling off the roof, crumpled into a ball between the old bookcase and the pink chair we had dragged out to the driveway, Nerf dart in hand. I climbed down with haste and, thankfully, didn't fall.
I lead an exciting life.
While watching G's cats I've been having my own personal "Butt Numb-A-Thon," this weekend, and right now my ass could take a bullet and I wouldn't feel it.
Highlights from this weekend include "Millineum Actress," (snore, pretty magical and all that, but really just a dull love story), "The Bunker," (mediocre psychological horror film), "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" (The new version with Jessica Biel, meow), and "Ginger Snaps 3" (good flick, but I refuse to call it "Ginger Snaps Back," that's a shitty title). I also rented Crash Bandicoot Twinsanity, and was not dissapointed. It's no Ratchet and Clank, but it does all the right things.
Quite different from last weekend's yard sale madness.
I remember last weekend, as I crawled up onto the roof to retrieve the foam dart I had accidentally shot up there while "testing" the dart gun I was selling, looking down at our little yard sale and thinking, "Damn, we're getting rid of a lot of shit." And sell that shit we did.
Then, I thought, wouldn't it be an embarrassing way to die, falling off the roof, crumpled into a ball between the old bookcase and the pink chair we had dragged out to the driveway, Nerf dart in hand. I climbed down with haste and, thankfully, didn't fall.
I lead an exciting life.
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