I'm really begining to hate working for my former employers. It's a good thing they already laid me off.

I was in a rush to leave for work today (freelance at the company that laid me off, not, like, a real job) so I grabbed a random shirt from my drawer. After I put it on I noticed it smelled a bit musty from being in the drawer so long, even though it was clean. Rather than change shirts, I spritzed myself with some old cologne I had. “Woodland Essence,” it was called. A strange brand from Bath and Body Works, a gift courtesy of my sister. I rather liked it.

When I arrived at work I passed through the copywriter’s office to get to my computer. 30 seconds later the copywriter yelled out, “Jon, have you been chopping wood or something?”

I explained it was a new fragrance.

Several minutes later, the art director arrived. The first thing he said to me was, “Hello… are you using a new aftershave?”

I explained it was a new fragrance. He told me it was OK, but I might have put it on a little heavy.

We commenced work. About an hour later, the owner came in to talk to us. She said, “Bill, could you and Jon… um… what’s that smell?”

I explained it was a new fragrance. She agreed that it was a little heavy.

At lunch time I ran around in the parking lot without my jacket. You know, to air myself out.

That’s it, no punchline, no point to the story. I just sprayed myself with a little too much “Woodland Essence,” today.

I wish I could say I was holding my life together better than I am. Frankly, my quality of life has degraded to the point of physical decay. At least, that’s what I think the smell is.

I stay up late and sleep late. Kicking this habit has become difficult. Getting to bed sooner just results in lying awake staring at the ceiling, and trying to get up earlier is met with loud protests from my body who screams, “I am sooo comfortable right now, don’t you dare move a muscle or I will kick your ass… somehow.” Setting my alarm clock doesn’t help. I find that if I don’t have anywhere to be, I can continue hitting the snooze button for upwards of two hours.

I’m completely non productive most days and all I can show for the other days is a crapload of unanswered resumes. The long list of things I could do usually goes unnoticed as I lay in bed, watching TV programs designed for retarded monkeys, or sit at my computer… right here.

I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakthrough though. With optimism I’m unaccustomed to, I feel like I’m on the edge of something better. I mean, it’s got to be getting better, it can’t get much worse, la de da daaa.

Yesterday, for shits and giggles, I dressed in my formal clothes, sat down in front of mirror, and conducted a complete job interview with myself.

At no time did I ever think to myself, “This guy is a fucking psycho! Call security.” Why I manage to have so many interviews that don’t lead to jobs still eludes me.

Curious, I dressed down a little bit, sat back in front of the mirror, and had a first date with myself. THAT answered all of my questions about the topic. In the end I wound up spraying the mirror with mace and calling a cab.

So the Pats won the Superbowl. That’s no big surprise to me. I should have put money on that. In actuality, I lost money. I bet someone that Boston and/or UNH would get trashed again. Everyone was, for the most part, calm and orderly. What the hell!? I guess we’re just getting used to winning. Or we’re drinking a lot less. Who knows.