A friend of mine invited me to go to Water Country in August. Of course I said yes, because Water Country friggin’ rocks, and I haven’t been there in ages.

But there’s a fundamental question that’s troubling me. What do I do with my glasses while I’m there? I obviously can’t wear them on the waterslides, because I’ll loose them about two feet down the first slide, and then someone will step on them, and they’ll break, and they’ll have to close the whole ride because there’s glass in the splashdown pool, and everyone will have to get tested for blood-borne illnesses because the shards of glass cut someone’s foot and the water was contaminated, but then someone will overhear “…water was contaminated…” and think we’re being attacked by terrorists, and there will be a panic and all the people in the wave pool will run to shore, like in Jaws, but they’re going to forget about the little Kidner boy who gets eaten by the broken glass and there’s this whole media shit-storm because Chief Brody knew about the glasses but the Mayor of Water Country told him to keep his mouth shut so they don’t have a panic on their hands.

Or I could leave them in my locker and not see where I’m going and not be able to identify my friends, at which point I’ll get swept into the deep end of Adventure River where I’ll be rescued by a mermaid who leaves me in the care of a kind family who adopts me because I can’t see where my ride home is, and it will be nice for a while until the dad starts a beer brewing company and he chains me and my foster brother Timmy to the vats until we’ve blended up all the hops and barley so he can fill the shipment of Bob’s Ale that the mob ordered before they come to the house and whack the family dog.

So I’m in kind of a bind because I don’t want the Kidner boy to die, but I don’t want anyone to kill Mr. Fluffy either.