Friday the 14th

Tammy: Oh Ned, that was amazing.

Ned: Yea, I know I’m good.

Tammy: Oh no, the lights went out.

Ned: Must be the generator.

Tammy: I’ll get it

Ned: Don’t leave, you’re so sexy.

Tammy: What does that have to do with anything?

Ned and Tammy have sex again

Tammy: I’m really worried about the lights going out like that… and that screaming we heard.

Ned: That was you.

Tammy: No, I mean the screaming we heard from outside.

Ned: Oh that, that was just the birds. This is a camp you know.

Tammy: Still, I think I should go fix the generator.

Tammy gets up to leave.

Ned: Aren’t you going to put any clothes on?

Tammy: Nah, to much work.

Ned: Here, take this flashlight, it’s dark out there.

Tammy: No, I’ll be alright with this candle.

Ned: You’re so sexy with that candle.

Tammy: What?

Ned and Tammy have sex again.

Tammy: I heard that screaming again.

Ned: It’s the birds, damnit.

Tammy: That’s not the birds, I distinctly heard someone scream, “NED, TAMMY, RUN! THERE’S A KILLER IN THE CAMP!”

Ned: There’s squirrels out there too, squirrels make weird noises at night.

Tammy: I’m going to fix the generator.

Tammy lights her candle and goes out the door. Ned lays back, lights a joint, drinks half a bottle of Jack Daniels, snorts a line of coke and then shoots heroin.

Tammy returns, screaming and covered in blood.

Tammy: Oh my God! Tom, Cindy, Bill, Rod, Bucky, Mindy, Earl, Leroy and Candy are dead.

Ned: Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, you’re stressed out, it’s all in your head.

Tammy: But they’re dead! They’ve been slashed, drowned, beheaded, strangled, drowned, dismembered, slashed and thrown out a window. Except for Earl. It looks like he just died in his sleep.

Ned: Damn… you’re so sexy covered in barbecue sauce like that.

Ned and Tammy have sex again.

Tammy: That was amazing, but everyone else is dead.

Ned: Everyone else? How many of the others have you had sex with?

Tammy: No, I mean they’ve all been killed.

Ned: Tammy, silly Tammy. Why don’t I go check it out.

Tammy: No, he’ll kill you too!

Ned: I’ve got nothing to worry about, I’ve got my pocket knife.

Tammy: Here, take the machine gun.

Ned: I’m OK, there‘s nothing I can‘t handle with my pocket knife.

Tammy: Damnit Ned, take the fucking machine gun. It’s right here, and it’s still loaded.

Ned: Tammy, crazy Tammy, I’ll be fine.

***

Police reports recount that the Caboose Lake killer turned himself in the morning following the night of the massacre. When police asked him why he turned himself in, he told them, “My work is done. I’ve finally killed all the stupid ones.”