Muah Hah Hah Hah!

Welcome, welcome my children to Uncle Otto’s Federally Censored House of Horrors. I would ask that only the bravest and stoutest of you, only those who do not crumble in the face of fear, enter this house… but I won’t. In fact, due to government imposed regulations, this vile den of terrors is now safe for small children, pets, women who are pregnant, and those with heart conditions.

I now bid you to follow me, but ONLY if you think you are brave enough, and ONLY if you are wearing the assigned safety equipment and clothing that meets the Federal Halloween Decency Standards Act.

You, Miss! You may not enter this house of evil and death. The skirt of your naughty devil outfit is clearly higher than a half-inch above the knee. Run home, young lady. Run home and tell them of the horrors you saw here, and how those horrors told you to wear pants next time.

Now, step through this door and we will dive into the murky depths of hell! ::BZZT::

(When Uncle Otto says “Hell” he is shocked by an electric collar)

Ahem, where was I?

Oh yes, GAZE upon this vile creature here. This hairy beast is known throughout the world as a Werewolf. Don’t get too close, children! You can see that his mildly extended, yet rounded and blunt front teeth can be used to gnaw ravenously. And what’s that that drips from his dull fangs? Oh no, it’s… chocolate! Yes, yes, this is the curse that this man has wrought upon himself. He has eaten himself into a chocolatey, bestial state. Quickly, give him your chocolate so that you will not eat too much and become a hairy beast just like him. Hurry, relinquish your sweets so you may avoid his curse! All of you!

Hey, you in the Spider-Man outfit. I saw you hide that Nutrageous. Cough it up, kid. The government knows what’s good for you.

Let us move on quickly. Fear not, for the Werewolf cannot follow, he is bound by silver chains. Do not worry about him. He is allowed plenty of exercise, three proper meals per day, access to a TV room, a library, and regular subscription magazines. He is currently petitioning for conjugal visits and two phone calls per week, which I’m sure he’ll have by next Halloween.

Moving on. Do you smell that? Is that the musty, mulchy, potpourri smell of the undead? Why yes, that earthy yet pleasant odor can only be the smell of rotting flesh. And HERE THEY COME!

Do not fret, my guests. They seek only what all of the zombies seek; the single form of nourishment that will sustain their ghastly existence.

Volunteer Zombie Actor: “GREEEEEEEEENS!”

Yes, they will forage like animals for their daily dose of fruits and vegetables. Woe is the man who gets between these monsters and their nutrients.

Look into their eyes children, they were once like you. Then, they got jobs within a large corporation and became-

What’s that noise? Oh no, we are being stalked by the king of the undead himself! It’s the Vampire Who Is Not Dracula (For Copyright Reasons).

Avert your gaze, for if your eyes meet his, you will become his slave (BZZT, the collar shocks Uncle Otto again), um… servant (BZZT) uh… voluntary low income employee (no shock this time); yes, avoid his firey stare, lest you become a victim of his dark desires, with minimum wage and no benefits, but an option to leave with proper two weeks notice.

Volunteer Vampire Actor: “I want to suck your blood; but only if you consent and we both submit to a thorough medical screening!”

Oh the terror! Run children, for even without your consent, he has the proper paperwork and licenses to gnaw on your neck while wearing a protective mouth guard! Run!

Whew, that was close! We barely escaped with our… um… well, we weren’t in much danger, but oh, he is a fierce one, that Vampire Who Is Not Dracula (For Copyright Reasons)!

Do you feel it? That chill in the air? Could it be that the denizens of the afterlife are breathing down our necks? Do you hear their moans? They seek arbitration! Yes, they want to speak, in the presence of a court appointed official, to the one who killed them, seeking an agreeable settlement for both parties!

Look, there’s one now! It’s a ghost!

Volunteer Ghost: “Ahem, the term is “Flesh Challenged,” thank you.

And where you find the “Flesh Challenged,” you will find the ladies whose boiling potions and mystic incantations fill the air. Beware these Witches, for they may one day establish their spells and ceremonies as religious doctrine and seek reparations for persecution from the likes of you. Until then, cover your ears! They seek lull you with their chants and songs which, though lewd and mildly inappropriate, are protected as products of free speech.

This formerly rusty but recently re-coated gate marks the end of our terrifying journey. Please return your Spooky Safety Harnesses to this bin here, your Horrifying Helmets to this bin over here, and your Ghastly Safety Goggles to the bin with the picture of the skull on it. Please, do not approach within ten feet of the Jack O’ Lanterns on either side of the exit path as they are lit with light bulbs witch may have become warm.

And beware! Beware the things that go bump in the night, because you only have the legal right to shoot them if they are on your property!