I’ve just watched the Japanese horror film, “Dark Water.” I think it’s a testament to the movie’s mediocrity that five minutes after taking the DVD out of the player, the plot, characters, and details of the film had completely escaped my mind. This is also an indication of the similarities between all Japanese ghost movies that I’ve seen in the last four years.

Let’s see, Dark Water is about a dead girl with long hair in a well. No, wait, wrong movie. It’s about a dead girl with long hair in a house. No, a dead girl with long hair with a cell phone. Oh, I remember, a dead girl with long hair in an apartment. That’s it.

A desperate mother must save her child by confronting the menace. Wait, scratch that. A desperate girlfriend must save her boyfriend by confronting the menace. Crap, that’s not it. A desperate woman must save her friend’s daughter by confronting- Oh, wait, I was right the first time. It is a desperate mother who must save her child by confronting the menace. Mother, child, menace. Got it.

Seriously people! Are they, like, playing Mad Libs with one script?

How many times is long black hair going to come out of your faucet before you say, “Screw this, we’re moving to America!” How many times is some invisible phantom going to grab your hand before you decide to just pack up your shit and move?

Like all J-horror, there at least a few striking visuals and scares; but of the genre films I’ve seen lately (Ringu, Ju-On, Phone, etc.) Dark Water contains the fewest scares and the least interesting buildup. It is predictable (even without being a j-horror clone), unengaging, and slow. Do yourself a favor and ignore it.

I’ve heard that there’s an American remake. I might be curious to find out if America’s formula for remaking a foreign film (by adding explosions and titties), does anything to salvage this boring story.