I had the strangest dream the other night.

I dreamed that Howard Stern had died, and I followed his soul as it sank down to hell. I saw him wake up in a small room, in bed next to an ugly, disfigured woman. A deep voice spoke from out of the thin air, “Howard Stern! For all of your sins in life, you are damned to spend eternity with this woman!”

I turned away and clawed my way back from the depths of hell.

When I returned to earth, I discovered that Hugh Hefner had died. Suddenly, I saw his soul and followed it down to hell. He too woke up in a small room. He found himself in bed with a rough-skinned obese woman. The same voice spoke, “Hugh Hefner! For all your sins in life, you are dammed to spend eternity with this woman!”

I made another attempt to climb back out of hell, but just as I arrived back on earth, I felt a strange shock. I couldn’t describe it, but I knew what had happened. I had been killed. I felt my soul falling down into hell.

I woke up in a small room. I turned to find myself in bed with… Brooke Burke! Then, the mysterious voice said, “Brooke Burke! For all your sins in life…”

The last time a woman voluntarily gave me her phone number was after I hit her car with mine.

As usual, Chris and I were giving Steven Segal some shit.

Actually, it might never have happened. His current direct to video release might have, like the last 35, gone unnoticed were it not for its proliferation. We were remarking how Blockbuster had two shelves worth of Jim Jarmusch’s “Broken Flowers,” starring the increasingly compelling Bill Murray, and they had four shelves worth of Steven Segal’s direct to video frisbee “Black Dawn.”

It was not unusual for there to be more copies of a crap movie than a good one, but up until reaching that particular shelf, I was convinced that it had something to do with money; even the worst mainstream films can make more money than the best independent films.

But now I see that there is no logic at all. If there are twice as many copies of Black Dawn as there are of Broken Flowers, then we’re all doomed. Pack up your shit and prepare for apocalypse; the monkeys are running the show now.

I wasn’t even going to look at the box for Black Dawn; we already knew the plot by heart. Chris was the first to verbalize the premise: a down-and-out (cop, special forces operative, doctor, environmentalist, etc.) comes back to kick some ass.

But curiosity overcame me. Maybe this was his breakout role. Maybe he was dabbling experimental films that involved things like dialogue or emotion.

Lo and behold, Black Dawn is about a down-and-out CIA agent who comes back to kick some ass. In the time it took me to read the blurb on the back, I had somehow watched every Steven Segal movie ever made.

We both agreed that Steven Segal’s career was over a long time ago. He just doesn’t know it because he hasn’t done a family-oriented comedy. That’s usually the milestone that marks the end of an action star’s career. Segal’s family comedy should have been after Under Siege, probably much sooner, but it would never come. He would continue to amble on, unaware of his situation, like the walking dead.

I mention that I was with Chris because A) some of these comments are his, and B) if I’ve managed to piss off Steven Segal, I think Chris and I together could take him.