As usual, Chris and I were giving Steven Segal some shit.

Actually, it might never have happened. His current direct to video release might have, like the last 35, gone unnoticed were it not for its proliferation. We were remarking how Blockbuster had two shelves worth of Jim Jarmusch’s “Broken Flowers,” starring the increasingly compelling Bill Murray, and they had four shelves worth of Steven Segal’s direct to video frisbee “Black Dawn.”

It was not unusual for there to be more copies of a crap movie than a good one, but up until reaching that particular shelf, I was convinced that it had something to do with money; even the worst mainstream films can make more money than the best independent films.

But now I see that there is no logic at all. If there are twice as many copies of Black Dawn as there are of Broken Flowers, then we’re all doomed. Pack up your shit and prepare for apocalypse; the monkeys are running the show now.

I wasn’t even going to look at the box for Black Dawn; we already knew the plot by heart. Chris was the first to verbalize the premise: a down-and-out (cop, special forces operative, doctor, environmentalist, etc.) comes back to kick some ass.

But curiosity overcame me. Maybe this was his breakout role. Maybe he was dabbling experimental films that involved things like dialogue or emotion.

Lo and behold, Black Dawn is about a down-and-out CIA agent who comes back to kick some ass. In the time it took me to read the blurb on the back, I had somehow watched every Steven Segal movie ever made.

We both agreed that Steven Segal’s career was over a long time ago. He just doesn’t know it because he hasn’t done a family-oriented comedy. That’s usually the milestone that marks the end of an action star’s career. Segal’s family comedy should have been after Under Siege, probably much sooner, but it would never come. He would continue to amble on, unaware of his situation, like the walking dead.

I mention that I was with Chris because A) some of these comments are his, and B) if I’ve managed to piss off Steven Segal, I think Chris and I together could take him.