Library Girl
“You know, I think it’s great that your library carries movies. To be honest though, every time I’ve come here, I haven’t been able to find a movie I feel like watching. But, I usually just keep looking because in the time it takes me to read the back of every single box I might finally muster up the courage to say something like, ‘I think you’re very attractive,’ or ‘I’d love to take you to dinner sometime.’”

There, how hard would that be to say? I just wrote it. Now all I have to do is make sounds with my mouth to match the letters. I could practice now, I’ll just start slow. “Y- Yoooou knnnnnnnnnoooooo.”

Shit. Why is it so hard? Is it because I’m afraid of rejection? Ha! That’s a laugh! I’m the reigning fucking champion of rejection. I get it every day. That’s like asking if I’m afraid of eating cereal.

So what is it? What am I afraid of?

I know. It’s that instant right after your barf your feelings out and finally speak. The world goes quiet and everyone from across the room to fucking China stops to listen. It doesn’t matter what she says next; if it’s “yes,” the world is all flowers and sunshine, if it’s “no,” then you resume breathing and retreat back to whatever hole you dared to venture out of (you’ve made an ass of yourself, that’ll be enough for one day, move along). That's the moment that scares me so damn much.

And it’s the easiest thing in the world to avoid isn’t it? All you have to do is not speak…


Well, tonight I said, “To hell with it, life isn’t worth living if you don’t take chances.” I decided I would pour my heart out, and no matter what happens I would be a better man.

I had been cultivating the thought all morning. “Why not just ask her out? Go for it. Go, Jon! Go, Jon!"

I have such a skewed sense of complacency that the thought of asking a girl out is comparable to planning a trip for Disney Land. I had to fit my whole day around it. I mapped out my approach while I was at work. I knew what line I’d open with and I knew how I’d react if the result was ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ I tried to rehearse every possible outcome on my lunch break. I even left work early, taking the extra time to prepare.

Of course, by prepare I mean sitting in my apartment doubting myself.

No! I'm through doubting! I grabbed my keys and wallet and stuffed a couple antacids in my pocket in preparation for the inevitable heartburn. Then, stopping to think about this, I took the whole bottle.

On the drive over, I rehearsed my line and tried to prepare myself for jumping out of mediocrity and shyness and taking a bold step towards being a functioning social adult.

The library was closed.