At the advice of my doctor, I went out in search of a few bricks to prop up the head of my bed, thus reducing the amount of acid reflux from my stomach to my esophagus whilst I sleep. This was from a cadre of home remedies that included such winners as “Don’t drink fluids during meals,” and “Don’t bend over.”

I found myself lost in Home Depot and, despite my better judgement, I decided to ask one of the employees for help. I said, “Excuse me, I’m wondering where I can get, like, six bricks.” I can’t say I was surprised when he immediately asked, “What do you need just six bricks for?” At that moment I could have chosen to be serious tell him I was propping up my bed, but for some reason I didn’t want to. Instead, I chose to be a smart-ass as I looked him in the eye and said, “I’m building a very small wall.”

I knew from past experience that the Home Depot employees were going to treat me like a moron anyway, I just figured I’d play the game.

I should mention that I once applied to be an employee at Home Depot. I won’t say I was desperate for work, Home Depot is not the end of the line. But after you’ve earned a BFA, you hope for bigger and better things.

Needless to say I didn’t get the job. I failed the written test, which is pretty god damned funny. I was being honest and I guess I just wasn’t enough of a customer’s bitch. I chose -

C: I am sometimes annoyed when customers insult me.

Instead of -

D: I love being insulted by customers. Thank you sir, may I have another?

The other questions where like this:

Home Depot Employment Test

2. If a customer is soliciting you for help, do you:
a. refer him to another isle
b. drown out the sound of his complaining by using the power saw
c. kill him, using the power saw
d. kill yourself, using the power saw

3. A customer needs only a small piece of lumber that could easily be cut from one of the larger pieces. Do you:
a. refer him to another isle
b. refer him to your manager
c. tell him no, and ask him what kind of dumb-ass question was that
d, tell him about the briefing you were given during training; when they told you the lumber was taken from a magical forest and every time you cut it, God kills a kitten.

State and Federal laws require that all potential employees participate in a mandatory drug test.
Please answer truthfully:

Are you high right now?
a. Yes
b. No

This concludes the mandatory drug test.

(Shout out to Greg, the only intelligent, approchable person that Home Depot ever hired).