I keep renting Asian action films hoping that one of these days one of them won’t make me want smack myself in the head with a hammer.

Tonight’s feature fud was The Returner. What we have in The Returner, aside from none good English, was ten minutes of stylish, relatively cool action sequences spliced into 110 minutes of heartbreakingly boring movie. This larger chunk of the film consisted of overacting, half-assed science fiction, and smaller derivative actions sequences ripped from other movies... better movies..

What seems to be common in the contemporary Asian action film is the mishmash of languages. There were at least three. There may have been more, but only two were actually mentioned, and I speak the third. What really hurts me though is that the people who spoke English were blatantly not English speakers. Ask any Japanese person, who does not know a single word in English, to say, “Space-Time Continuum,” and you’ll know what I mean.

“Hello, we’re your main characters. You may remember us from such films as The Professional and The Matrix.”

Just imagine how bad the movie would be to make me say, "You know, I really miss the deep plots and witty dialogue of John Woo."

Arg. Now I’m just pissed off.