Dear Alumni,

We hope you have had time to enjoy your summer.

As you know, the new school year is starting. New and returning students are excited about the opportunities and experiences of the coming year. It wasn’t very long ago that you yourself were a student, eager to learn and get involved in your University.

Fortunately, you still have the opportunity to get involved. That’s right, you can continue to give to the school that has given you so much.

We may not have paid for your books. We may have overcharged you for housing. We may have made you take classes that had nothing to do with your major. We may have charged you for course credits you didn’t take. We may have tried to make you stay an extra year for no good reason. We may not have been any help in finding you an internship. And we even charged you that “Resident Activity Fee,” that actually went towards our new automated coffee machine. But we provided you with an “Education.” It’s time to repay the favor.

In all due honesty, we lost your tuition money. Well, we didn’t loose it, we know where it went. We spent it all on cheap whores and blow. But the point is, all the money you gave us, the money for which took out loans that you’ll be paying off for the next ten years, is used up. It’s gone. The account is in overdraft.

Now we realize it’s only been two years, but by our estimates, you now have a job in the <insert course of study here> field and are pulling in a six figure salary. This assumption is based on student surveys, population polls, and wild speculation.

So if it wouldn’t be too inconvenient, please take some time out from running your multi-million dollar company and boinking your supermodel wife and make a donation to our simple little “Alumni Fund.”

Thank you.

Sincerely,
College University

P.S. Pass this letter on to five friends by midnight or you will have seven years bad luck! It’s true!