It seems as though the last few times I've gone to see the dentist, they've made some ridiculous recommendation about how I could improve my dental health.

For the record, my dental health is fine. I go for my regular checkups and I brush, rinse, and sometimes even floss (note to self, need to floss more) every morning and night.

This time I had a minor cavity, which has been a rarity since I was 12. The cavity was so minor, I was given the option to make an appointment to have it drilled, or see where it goes and worry about it at my next cleaning. Though convenient, the danger of waiting meant that the cavity, though small, might go deeper, impacting the nerve. I was faced with the choice of being punched in the face now, or kicked in the balls later. I opted for the punch in the face.

It's on my annual checkup/cleanings that they suggest changing certain things in my life to benefit my teeth. We're not talking about little things either. Example: Last year, I was told I shouldn't ever drink soda. No soda. Ever. Like I'm not a big enough wuss when it comes to alcohol, now they want me to ask the host of the party if they have any sugar free juice or sports drinks. I said, "Fuck that!" Well, not to the dentist. I said it long after I got home.

Last week they discovered some wear and tear on my teeth attributed to minor grinding or clenching I was probably doing in my sleep. Their recommendation? Don't sleep on your side at all. Not on your side. Ever. Sure, I'll just strap myself down to the mattress so I don't unconsciously do something abnormal, like roll over. I said, "Fuck that!" Again, not to the dentist.

The only other option was to get a night guard to put in my mouth at night... to guard my teeth. The dentist showed me an example of a custom fitted night guard; a small piece of plastic, remarkably similar to the retainer I had just finished wearing. Though as much as I disliked the retainer, and have enough nightly rituals to worry about, if it would save my teeth and alleviate my phantom jaw pain, then I would do it. Then they told me the price. $300. Three hundred dollars. DOLLARS! I said, "Fuck that!" This time to the dentist (well, under my breath, with my mouth closed).

I went home that night and did some research. Generic night guards were available at the drug store for $25. This was much more acceptable. I picked one up yesterday, a "boil-and-bite" mouth guard that you heat up then mold to your teeth, much like the one I would wear in Tae Kwon Do so I didn't get my teeth kicked out of my head.

I can tell it's going to take a while to get used to it. Putting it in my mouth is like biting down on a balled up sock. I've trimmed it a little to cut down on the size, but it's still uncomfortable. The instructions say I don't heave to wear it every night, and it might eventually "train" my mouth not to grind, so I'm going to keep at it as long as it takes to get used to it. The only other option is $300 dollars worth of custom fitting, and well, Fuck That.