The following are excerpts I took from a REAL newspaper article in the Union Leader today:

School locked down in recipe for disaster
Clovis, N.M.

A 911 call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped up into Marshall Junior High School.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos. It was wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt.

Principal Diana Russell said the mystery was solved after she brought everyone in the school together in the auditorium to explain what was going on. Afterward, eighth-grader Michael Morrissey approached her and said, “I think I’m the person they saw,”

The burrito was part of Morrissey’s extra-credit assignment to create commercial advertising for a product. “We had to make up a product, and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos,” Morrissey said.

“I have a new nickname now. It’s Burrito Boy,” Morrisey said.
*****

I mean, holy shit. No one’s taking any chances these days, are they? In case you haven’t realized it, this is the world we live in now.

I suppose that we have all the reason in the world to be paranoid, and it is always better to be safe than to be sorry; these people are responsible for the wellbeing of their students. But, it’s incidents like this that tend to make a person think, “Are we being a little too quick to call in the S.W.A.T. team?”

I found the story funny, not because of all the commotion caused for nothing, but all the little things, the things they didn’t mention in the article, the things I like to imagine happening.

Like, when the eighth grader pulled out the burrito to show everyone, did they yell, “GOD HELP US!!!” and dive behind their desks?

What went through the principal’s head when she first realized that she would have to tell the armed officers, “False alarm, it’s just a gigantic burrito!”

Was the student arrested for possession of a weapon of “gas” destruction? (sorry)

What ultimately happened to the burrito? Was it consumed, or booked as evidence? Was it preserved and put on display as a cautionary tale about how we shouldn't jump to conclusions, or as a reminder about how bat-shit loco we, as a nation, have gone?

When will we take action in our communities and pass a law requiring our schools to install burrito sensors next to the metal detectors?

Is the student the least bit bitter about being labeled by the school, nay, the entire nation, as “Burrito Boy,” for an incident that was entirely not his fault? Is there a chance he could salvage his reputation by spinning the name into something cooler, like “El Gigante!” (A big hit with the ladies.)

Why wasn’t there any cheese in this burrito?

Wouldn’t it be even funnier and more ironic if it was later revealed that the burrito was stuffed with drugs?

Feel free to add your own musings about what may have happened behind the scenes of this incident. I know I'll get a laugh out of it.