Chairman: Alright people, it’s that time again. We’ve got to plan another episode of Fear Factor. Let’s take it from the top. What should our first challenge be?

Board members:
“French kiss a SARS patient!”
“Hopscotch on subway tracks!”
“Stab yourself!”
“Spend time with Doctor Phil!”

Chairman: Good good, I’m glad to see you’re all bringing you’re A-game.

Jimmy the intern: Walk a high wire!

Silence

Chairman: Oh yea, I almost forgot. Everyone, this is our new intern, Jimmy. What Jimmy doesn’t know is that we did “Walk a high wire,” in season one. Season one was for pussies, Jimmy. This season is going to be for real men. Which are you Jimmy?

Jimmy: I’m… a real… man?

Chairman: That’s right, Jimmy. You’re playing with the big boys now. Anyway, “Hopscotch on subway tracks,” let’s run with that one.

Board member: We can set it up on the tracks at the downtown station. Rounds can last anywhere between 5 and 10 minutes, depending on the train schedule.

Chairman: Hmm, good. How many tracks are electrified?

Board member: Um, only one I think.

Chairman: Can we make it two?

Board member: I think so. It may require a portable generator.

Chairman: Do it. What about rats?

Board member: There can be rats

Chairman: I want lots of rats!

Board member: Big rats?

Chairman: Huge rats. Fly them in if you have to. I won’t settle for anything less than two crates of skanky rats. And make sure they haven’t eaten. I want two crates of large, skanky, hungry rats. I want them crawling on the contestants. We’ll cover the contestants with cheese.

Board member: Do rats really go for cheese?

Chairman: Good point. Meat! They’ll wear helmets of rotten meat. The rats will go crazy.

Excellent, now for round 2, or, as we like to call it, “the vomit round.” Give me some ideas.

Board members:
“Drink blood”
“Eat your own foot”
“Cover yourself in poop”
“Cover yourself in tarantulas”
“Cover yourself in tarantula poop”

Chairman: That’s using your head, Earl! Wait, do tarantulas poop?

Board member: They must. All living things poop, right?

Silence fills the room

Chairman: Gentlemen, I consider this to be a professional environment. I expect 110% from all my employees and I reward that kind of performance. Now you’re telling me that of all the people in this room, no one can tell me whether or not tarantulas poop?

Silence

Chairman: Never mind then, we’ll have to put that one on the back burner for now. Let’s backtrack. I heard “Eat your own foot.” How can we make that work?

Board member: It could be a contest to see who could do it fastest.

Chairman: Hmm, not bad, but not enough fear. We need more fear.

Board member: We can cover their feet in maggots.

Chairman: Hmm, you’re getting somewhere, but not quite there. Hit me with some more ideas.

Other board member: After eating their foot they would have to run away from hungry bears.

Earl: Hungry bears covered in maggots!

Chairman: BINGO! Earl, you're on fire today! That’s round two! Now, onto the big stunt. What’s gonna happen in round three?

Board Members:
“Drive a car off a building.”
“Catch a car falling off a building.”
“Take a long walk off a short pier.”
“Run with scissors.”

Jimmy (frustrated by the madness around him): Well, hell. If they’ve survived this long why not just shoot them in the head?

Chairman: Jimmy! You’ve got it! It’s clean and easy, and people will have to overcome the greatest fear of all to do it! Fear of death! You’re going to do well in this business, Jimmy.

Jimmy smiles, despite the feeling that he's surrounded by very dangerous, very crazy people.