For the longest time, I was on the lookout for an oft-mentioned horror movie called The Beyond. No video rental store ever seemed to have it, and the only version I could find in the stores was the Extra Special Super Duper Edition, which cost far too much for a movie I didn’t know if I’d like or not.

As if in answer to my predicament, a bare-bones $9.99 edition was recently released. I decided to pick it up and give it a shot.

Now, I consider myself a horror movie fan, I go out of my way to watch these movies, which normally end up being absolute crap. I’ve seen a lot of bad horror movies in my time, and while this is not the worst, it’s pretty high on the list of movies that aren’t just a waste of money, but a waste of time. I not only demand my $9.99 be returned, I also want those 90 minutes of my life back.

Each part is over-acted or under-acted, leading to slow, dream-like scenes which are only laced with tension if you have any idea what is going on. We, the average viewer, do not. Apparently the overall plot and character stories are none of our business. Allegedly, the gate to hell, located under a hotel, has been accidentally opened (by Joe the Plumber), and dead people are coming back to life. People die gruesome deaths, but no one seems to pay attention to them for the first half of the movie. This in itself is surreal. The bodies are piling up and it’s just business as usual at the hotel. “ Joe’s face was clawed off when he was in the basement. Hmm, must be rats. I’m going to bring him to the morgue then I’ll continue painting the kitchen.”

I’m at a loss for words when it comes to describing the rest. There’s a blind girl who can somehow run down stairs without tripping, a warlock who had the key to hell but was covered in boiling plaster before he could use it, a book about hell that keeps appearing and disappearing, and a six shooter that fires ten bullets.

And what kind of sick fetish does that Fulci guy have with eyeball trauma? I’ve seen two of his movies for a grand total of four kills involving gratuitous eyeball damage, and three of them where in this movie. I never thought I’d say this about a horror movie, but “Stop it, it’s just gross.”

All the effects in the movie like that; uselessly excessive. Every cut, scrape, and bodily fluid is rendered in so much detail that you not only feel like you’re looking at a car crash, but you’re also involved in one. The camera lingers as we watch gallons of fluid pumped out through every natural orifice, and plenty of new ones, during meaningless scenes that stoutly refuse to end. I’m not against this kind of craziness, they did it right in movies like Dead Alive, but damn! Dead Alive was meant to be excessive. This movie is excessive in order to cover up the rotting stench of the writing and acting.

This movie is probably so fondly remembered by some because it is an avid student of, if not the founder of, the school of “If you can’t do it well, do it gratuitously.”

Beyond, you suck. Thumbs down.