Buying the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue has always been something of an ordeal for me. I happen to be one of those insecure losers who worries that everyone in the checkout line will think I’m some kind of pervert. Suddenly I feel like the only man in the world who buys this magazine. The slightest glance from others feels like an accusing stare that says, “I know you’re going to go home and do dirty things with that magazine, and then you’re going to worship Satan!”

OK, I’m exaggerating, but I do feel kind of guilty when I buy it.

Today I went to the drugstore for a single item. My knuckles had been dry and chapped and every time I knocked on a door, I wanted to cry out in pain. It was even worse after I cleaned my apartment yesterday morning. I had just run out of the tiny sample tube of Curve Hand Moisturizer that my sister had given me last year, so I went to the drugstore for more hand lotion.

I picked up a medium sized bottle of the cheapest brand and headed to the checkout line. On my way, I noticed the Swimsuit Issue on the magazine rack. I looked around; no children around, no young, attractive women at the checkout counter; it was safe to get it.

I got in line behind two other people and waited. Suddenly, my paranoia addled brain caught up with me. “Hey, pervert! What are you going to do with the Swimsuit Issue and a bottle of hand lotion? He he he.”

I nearly jumped out of line, like some action movie star leaping out of the path of a speeding car. I was going to put the hand lotion back, but my hands were in desperate need of moisturizing. I thought about putting the magazine back, but then I came to my senses. “Stop being a wussy. Just get the damn magazine.”

Suddenly I felt guilt free about buying the magazine, but the magazine and the lotion together was still pretty sketchy. I wandered back through the store and began picking up random items to add to my purchase; hoping to draw the cashier’s attention away from these two potentially naughty products.

In the end, I bought the Swimsuit Issue, hand lotion, a loaf of bread, a box of Q-Tips, a pack of sticky notes, and a red dry erase marker.