I’m sorry if I seem a little distraught, two dear friends of mine just broke off a long, seemingly happy relationship. I was so certain that they were perfect for each other, but they just decided to call it quits, right out of the blue.

I supposed I might have missed some of the signs that are so obvious now. She loved her work, she probably loved it more than she loved him. He was always kind of tagging along, following her lead. He didn’t ever really get to be his own man, but he did it to make her happy, and that made him happy. You just couldn’t see past the smiles when they were together. You almost felt like something weird was going on, but they just looked like they were enjoying themselves.

I was so emotionally shaken by the announcement that I had to confront them about it. I sat them both down and said, “Look, Ken, Barbie… What the fuck is wrong with you?! You’re both toys! You can’t break up with each other, you’re two pieces of plastic! That’s like the dish-rack breaking up with the garbage can, it doesn’t make any fucking sense!”

But they just looked at me and smiled. Barbie went out that night. Rumor has it that she already hooked up with an Australian surfer. I hope all her coworkers at the office, clinic, studio, theater, and school find out what a slut she is.

I felt bad for Ken, so I took him out to the bar that night. When we walked in and took a good look at the crowd, Ken leaned over to me and said, “Dude, if I had a penis, I would bang every chick in this room.”

What has this world come to?