Last night I made the world’s best non-dairy shrimp scampi in angel hair pasta. I’m usually a modest person, but tonight the world can just kiss my ass because I made the best meal ever. If I had made more, I could have used it to end wars. Just sit the world leaders down at a big round table and serve them my awesome shrimp scampi, and viola! They’d be laughing, and telling jokes and stories over dinner. And no one would ruin the mood by being gassy, because it’s non-dairy, baby!

Of course, such a masterpiece came at a price. I made a total mess. I had to wash the dishes that I used in order to use them again. The sink is piled high with ten times more dishes than the recipe called for using. I know why I used two plates, but I can’t remember why I used the other three. The counter is covered in globs and powder, it looks like a model train table. I just got done mopping the floor, that’s how messy it was.

But it was worth it.